sausages (feet)

soooooo yeah....

today i wanted to rant about predictability, specifically in a relationship. what i mean to ask is, is there ever a good time to be thoroughly predictable or is uncertainty just that little bit more fun?

what sparked this was a comment made, saying "i knew you were going to say that". this to me is very bad, partly because i thought my previous line was just a brush away comment and was nothing necessarily out of the ordinary, more just generic... and partly because i HOPE im less predictable than i apparently am...
the conversation was just background really- nothing exciting.

what makes me loath the idea of me being predictable is that if everyone thinks im predictable, i either earn myself a reputation for hurting people, being a dick, or being a good guy.... the last one i dislike because if i am subsequently a dick, i hurt people anyways.
people think 'hes changed' if you appear predictable to them, then act differently under different environmental situations that are unfamiliar to them. i dont want to hurt people or make them feel upset with my conduct at any time, but i am who i am...

and on the flip side, if people think im predictable and that they know me, aspects of my personality which usually hide away, surprise them: ALOT. many times i have had to apologise to people for being incredibly angry or whatever when they didnt expect it.

also, i dont like predictability because i dont like the idea of free will being lost
HOWEVER, i can fully appreciate the moral foundation of having a predictable relationship built on the right principles. i just despise the idea that even basic conversation need not take place almost.

so to uncertainty. i love uncertainty in a certain environment: healthy relationship with spontaneity. conversation should never run dry between people who love and care about each other, in my eyes, and if nothing needs to be said, dont say anything- dont just try and fill the gaps with crap 'just because you want to hear their voice' (romantic bollocks). if you dont have anything to say, just enjoy the silence. it brings you closer than words a lot of the time.

AND HERE IS THE PUNCHLINE
to me, the phrase, 'I love you', is far too overused between teenagers who don't truly understand what love is, and i think it spoils the connotations behind it. not only this, i think if you analyse the conversations where it is brought up a significant amount of times, it's found to be in predictable slumps of conversation. i firmly believe that that phrase should be left to unpredictability regardless of scenario. if you dont want to, dont say it. if you get told it, dont force yourself to say it back! i fall and have fallen into this trap far too many times, and i regret it in all honesty. i think relationships where this kind of predictability are found are pretty much doomed, which is why i also regret not getting together with people i think are essentially perfect.

fucking uni eh.

(how did this rant go from predictability to some deep personal regrets :s )
well if anyone gets to this point without skipping, let me know and i'll owe you a cookie (Y)

cheers m'dears

awkward

Right, dear internets, im coming to the quick conclusion i need an outlet away from mainstream view...so this is going to be the place i come to bitch moan and whine about everything while my Vlog will remain positive or at least fun. youtube.com/lewiswenttotown

just had the shortest phone call in about a month with someone i was hoping not to have to speak to for a while. whoops i fucked up Aaaaaaagain and i texted her back (fucking common courtesy).

anyways, someone interrupted the convo naked but with a pillow, and she wasnt exactly fucking discreet about it. this was the same guy who fucked up my life. yay :D super happy fun times.

this has made me extra happy and really fucking down.....anyone for a beer? just me? fe...

so anyway, if you wanna see me happy and cheery, please go to my youtube and subscribe :) only a very small 'fan' base right now, so if people can subscribe, i'll do more of the video thingy where i talk to my peoples.
much love and hope to see you soon on there, or next time on here when i need to rant or clear my mind :)

ciao bellas 

uncontrollable

No more, the master of myself, i have become engulfed by something dark and sinister and playful; this energy  inside which wills me to spite and hurt, though i mourn for a better time. Enraged by what depravity lies within those who love, who rip out my heart and make me feel hollow and empty and sick.
Im scared of myself, what lies beneath me, for my anger and hatred build. Only through words can i be brought down, and only through music can i resurrect myself from hell.
The sorrow laid strewn across my brow reminds me that bitterness and sulphur are all i know, the foul stench lifting me higher to a state of passionate vile. The Gaul that hides is building with every word you speak, and softly and slowly it seeps out into the ether to fill the void between loves, and hurts all who hear it.
This is my winter of discontent. An everlasting wasteland of forgotten emotions with no means of renewal. No remorse. No sanctuary can be found here. Merely the hope that it may end.
But the rational is entombed by irrationality, and soon, aggressively and ferociously i will end all of my suffering with swift justice in my mind. The last sound you may hear may be the last sound i make, for if the deed is done, relief will take my life.

I turn around. You are gone from view. I still hear you but it dims and i soon return to the shell i was. The beasts are tame again, and i am soaked in sorrow for the thoughts.
Few will ever know true horror: to look ones self in the mirror and see nothing but a violent criminal in waiting... i consider myself one of the lucky few to have been presented that opportunity by your hand.

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a sincere apology

For what it's worth, I don't hate anyone or even particularly dislike anyone with any kind of passion...but recently a combination of stress, anxiety and anger has fueled some kind of rage which has become concentrated towards some people under certain conditions. For this, I truly am sorry. It is never worth it to lash out at people regardless of circumstance and it is never good to dismiss someone just because they say what they want, but that seems to be what I'm doing if the right buttons are pushed. Tonight, the job of button pushing was made easier by a 'family member', and in anticipation of causing offence or retaliated aggression, I apologise in advance. Once things in my life get ironed out I will be Lewis again.
Shouldn't be too long...and these changes will make a better Lewis in the long run.

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now I'm bored

Ok, so by me doing this, you could probably tell I'm desperately bored. I've filled in an application form for a microlight scholarship and sent it off...and now watching live at the Apollo, whilst waiting for texts back...they won't come, I know, but I can dream.
Someone distract me?

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oh you little bugger....

right, first thing's first... 15 minutes in work is not enough to sustain bills being paid and all the other crap i need to pay for... so with this, im starting a new job search :D

career or part time?

for some reason, guys, i am absolutely shattered. physically cant keep my bloody eyes open...which begs the question, "what in GODS NAME am i doing STILL AWAKE!!!!"

BLOGGING is going to become a regular part of my life from now on. i have my life almost totally planned out and i fully intend to TRY to follow it. this should be interesting guys... watch this space lol.

i also think that school is picking up for me now. organisation has become key in my life, and im loving it.

thats your lot from me today, so im going to sleep.
ciao

how the hell is Bebo still up and running???

hello esteemed guests of mine, another edition of my life in words coming straight to you from the back of my trousers.

i'd like to start off, if i may (although it's my blog so fuck you anyway...), with some good news for me: it's my one year anniversary with Beth! adore her lots.

and now i'd like to move on..... because i can.... to my title/questiony thingy..
HOW ON GOD'S EARTH DOES BEBO STILL EXIST!!!!
Bebo is dead for 99% of the internet using population, HOWEVER, the 1% are making up for this shortcoming.
Bebo of course was one of the first major social websites dedicated to every aspect of someones life...and it's great while you're 11/12/13 or so... but after the next logical step was a Myspace.... which again was pretty much the same genre of activity. Myspace is dead. why isnt Bebo?!

all this was sparked by an invitation to a group called 'scottish babes 2k11', which is similar to every other invite i've received in the last few years.... which leads me to believe that the only people who use bebo are either paedophiles looking for fresh meat, or scottish noobs who've just logged on for the first time.

either way, something must be done to educate these poor bastards who have nothing better to do than create a self esteem raising fan page which inevitably fails when they realise they're the only user and no-one has accepted them, thus leaving them vulnerable, lonely and susceptible to paedophiles, looking for fun by raising said noob's self esteem...

this is why i believe bebo should be LOGGED OFF! perverts and 11 year olds use it. NEITHER should use it.
if anyone can counter this argument, i will be more than happy to oblige in hand to hand combat to the death.

IN OTHER NEWS
i have come to the staggering conclusion that i am not the only one with bad drinking habbits, so FUCK YOU to those who bitch about me and have a go at me. sort yourself out first.
also, designated driver is essentially lower than whale shit, on a night out....and you feel like it too, especially when other people have incredibly bad social drinking styles and attitudes.
next time, i'm getting WASTED!


any-whoo...
time for me to go now, as a village in Cambodia needs someone to laugh at them.
night all!!

I need determination

Hello bitches and bitchettes

How are we all doing? It seems forever since we all got together like this, doesn't it... i miss those days, where we would just sit around telling stories and pretend we knew what the hell we were talking about.... -shifty-

in all seriousness i have failed blogger. i have become the thing i hate the most: a NON-blogger!!
i have tried time and time again to write substantial quantities of material to incorporate into my blog, but failed to actually log on and put it from paper to pixels. it's not that i dont love you any more, it's just i find it wholeheartedly depressing to turn my computer on and just sit here in my bed and tap drivel to you fine people. i know i talk utter bollocks 99% of the time, and you dont deserve this kind of punishment...no-one does.
so with this, im going to attempt to write a blog with some form of structure and basis of opinion. im sorry...

school is going well. ive never professed to being any sort of academic, and this is shown in the fact ive had to go back to repeat my chemistry a-level. i really want to do well in this. the problem i have right now is the motivation i had is diminishing due to the lack of motivation of some people around me. i need the support of some people and right now im not getting it. i need a kick up the arse and to be given conditions to work under. it works with little kids: "do your homework and then you can go out to play". the reason it works is because those little kids then have suitable reason to do what they need to do. without reason it just becomes another thing to do. i NEED reason. i NEED the high motivation. right now it's being taken from me, and im running out. so instead of feeding off of other people's so that i can give back in return, im left here wondering why i cant be arsed to do my coursework.

work is also going well, however free pizza is catching up with my fitness levels and i really need to construct a worthwhile training regime. im still healthy, but my fitness has died. this, i need to address.
also, i want a job with better pay. add to that, i want a social life again, and you have a pretty good idea of what im facing. i work minimum wage and i dont get to see my friends as much as i want. parties are a rarity and i cant really afford to go to them anyway because of one thing or another.

cadets is something i will address when i start back there on the 10th. i still hold the rank of sergeant, and i intend to use it properly over the next year. this will mean that i will be a hard sergeant from now on and because of this, the cadets will not like me, but because of this they will learn. they will not be given the option of sitting out of activities. they will participate in events and oppertunities. if they do not wish to do so, they can go home. the ATC does not want people who do not want the ATC. i will make them into cadets, one way or another.

my car is still being taken the absolute piss out of. however, i do not think i give a toss anymore. it still runs well. it still gets me to work and back. and it still gets me to exeter and back, even though it consumes about £35 worth of fuel every trip, which is depressing.

i do believe that part one of my entire life has been shown sufficiently enough for one day...

bye everybody.