the problem with.....part 7

lighters and oldies:

is it me or is there nothing funnier than a 40-a-day, 90 year old woman, desperatly searching for a lighter so that she can smoke up in a place that is bound by law, not to let you smoke..... if you cant see the funny side to this, allow me to enlighten you...

(and before you allow a moral dilema to develope in your brain, just think....they cant be killing her too much: shes friggin 90 and on 40-a-day!)

firstly, just imagine this old lady wandering around aimlessly with a fixed expression of 'how did i get here?', as her dimentia sets in for another round of 'WHERE AM I'. cigarette carton in one hand, lighter in the other, as she goes around every table asking for a light, in the restaurant.... of course, they all see her holding this lighter, but decline to tell her because they dont want to see her embarased... ironicly making things far worse...

secondly, when she arrives back at the table (after some assistance, where she flirts outragously and loudly, to this poor guy who was just wrong place, wrong time..), she see's her ligher she'd been clutching for the best part of 20 minutes, stands up, and openly announces to the restaurant, 'ive found it, ive found it! put down your magic phones coz granny's got her arson tool'.
the restaurant, astounded -eyes transfixed upon this senile old bat-slowly return to their meals, as she sits and attempts to make this silver box work.

the third part is when she's sitting and playing with the lighter... its a silver one....the sterotypical 'mob' lighter....she flicks it open and starts turning the wheel. she's making sparks, but its just not lighting for some reason....she tries this about 10 times then starts eating.....then returns to piss about and piss us off for the next 20 minutes. when she does (somehow) get a flame to emerge, she takes a big lungfull of air, then blows it out, cheering afterwards...

the final part is when she's leaving. (its important to note at this point that i am sitting in the centre isle of the restaurant.....everyone coming or going has to pass behind my chair.)
she stands with purpose. she shouts to the room, 'i had a lovely meal....thank you mr chef '. she hugs the waiter, starts to walk out the door and then suddenly bends down to whisper in my ear and give me something... she then leaves.

its strange that i didnt fully comprehend what she'd said till i looked at what she'd given me:
it was the cigarette packet...and its contents was a single playing card.... the joker

what she'd said to me: 'its fun to act, sometimes'

suddenly it all made sense......this vision of the perfect batty old woman was in-fact blurred by her comic genious and superb timing. she was fantastic.
and all i could do was giggle to myself, with a smile that would make the cheshire cat blush.

question for the day
has anything like that ever happened to you? any embarasing moments you wish you could erase, or ..... are you waiting till you get to that age to mess around like she could, and get away with it?

thought for the day
if a tree falls in a wood and there's no-one around to hear it....does anyone care? i mean, who would even know if one had fallen if there's no-one around?!..... its a shit saying.....

heads-up for the day
yes folks, satan is having his annual ball again and inviting all your worst nightmares......so, heads up for school on friday....and good luck


see ya fools! XP

the problem with.....part 6

life

the evil neccessity. the one thing that we all need, and we all hate. given in a second, and taken just as quickly.

we fight for life, we die for life. as stupid as it is illogical, the human race does many things to maintain or destroy it.

my life for example has been simple: i was born at a very young age, and since then, ive grown up and learnt stuff....now ive come to a philosophical understanding about what i want or what i need in life;

i only need 3 things....... food in my belly, a roof over my head, and some spare change in my back pocket for a rainny day. who could ask for more than that?


my HEADS-UP for the day goes to my next blog which is going to take on a new format, and going to be about lighters

see ya in two days, mo-fo's!

RIP dan

the problem with.....part 5

in a return to this series of things that either annoy me, make me think 'bugger', or just make everyone else go 'well thats something i dont give a toss about!'......welcome back
i hope you got a return coz i aint payin the bus fare....

to break us back into this obscene series again, i was going to talk about the problems of puberty...but quickly realised it could be summed up in one word.........

its SHIT.


so instead, im gona chat about something thats dear to me in so many ways... something i have always had an affection for... something that i dont think i COULD'nt write about:
the mexican football commentator!




or not......holiday romances (fitting as ive just got back from hols.........you didnt remember?......u son of a bitch.....)

holiday romances are defined as ones that you dont even consider taking home with you...if you do, then this is no longer a HOLIDAY romance (please try to keep up). there are certain priorities when selecting your potential romancer....

1) clean~~cant have fleas or any diseases that you can take home (the idea is you leave all the evidence with your key as you leave the hotel)

2) not a stalker~~ again, can track you down when you get home..... AVOID

3) not a heavy drinker (if you need liquour to help you)~~ if you end up under the table before she does, you have no control of your destination.... could be her room, could be your room, could be the floor you fell on, you stupid S.O.B.


so thats advice......what to do if you want to get them to notice you though?
well... firstly you could wait for them to make the first move (never works you pussy), or you could get things moving...

i have a younger brother....perfect. what you do is tell him to go and talk to the girl you like and get him to tell her that you like her.....when he's done this, acknowlage what he's done, and tell her you're sorry about him, then ask how she is....thus entering the first conversation: welcome to the world of oppertunities.....if you fuck it up from here, its YOUR fault and you should be locked away as an arse forever...or till your flight.

thats what works for me anyways :P
enjoy

thought for the day bitch!
whats goin on people, wher ya all to, wher ya all go....youv all buggerd off for a bit without me... im lonly :(
so where would you recommend going on holiday? thats the question. if you can give a reason with your answer, i wont think of you as a pompus ass, and it may actually help people, so be detailed if you can be arsed.

night night kiddies