quitting smoking diary day 1- honesty from outset

ok, yesterday i started this by having my last cigarette.... and then 4 hours after i woke up today i was stressed and annoyed and had 2. FAIL :@

i was angry at myself, but i was determined to actually try this time after so many times of saying 'this is my last one'. i was also scared that i would be desperate for a cigarette in work tonight since my habit started there almost 18 months ago. i've grown to associate driving with smoking and working for a delivery company, you can guess it's not a good combination....

HOWEVER, i got to work and although i felt the need, i decided to go to tesco and buy some niquitin patches so that i can get the ball rolling on not smoking. honestly, i was more scared of buying them than buying fags, but i asked, and in the same kind of voice that a nervous 15 year old has when trying to buy alcohol.... i croaked, i was embarrassed, but i got them and after a semi patronising/semi encouraging 'good for you, giving up!' from the cashier, i ran to my car to see if they'd work.

i ripped open the box in anticipation and read the leaflet to see what to do (im a noob, yes) and i stuck one on my left arm, wondering how long it would take before i got my fix. within about 10 minutes of putting it on, i started to feel an insane itch coming from the area, and i looked at the patch: my arm was blood red and it looked like i was having a reaction. however, i kept it on and gritted my teeth, praying it was nothing more than the patch taking effect.

thankfully, after about half an hour, i started to feel it working, and i felt relaxed and content, and with my arm returning to normal i felt really positive about this step ive taken. it's a 24 hour patch and i'm still wearing it as im writing this, and its still working...which is good since thats what it's supposed to do....

i got back to work and after a few hours i was speaking to some colleagues who also smoke and i said, 'i genuinely do not want a cigarette'. they looked stunned. frankly, i was in bliss knowing that i've actually taken a positive step towards giving up. i never imagined that patches actually work, and although it sounds terrible, the fact i needed a 'fix' of nicotine, i think this is the best move ive made.

what this patch has taught me (i appreciate ive only been wearing it 7 hours), is that instead of needing to keep my hands busy, i am just addicted and its not the muscle memory thing that so many people have.... i genuinely do not want or need a cigarette and it seems it was just the nicotine contained therein that i needed (which makes sense since it's the addictive thing in the bastards). this also gives me confidence in my ability to quit since it seems like just an addiction rather than an addiction and a habit.

through writing this, ive noticed how terrible the ideas of smoking are. what i mean by that is not the physical act of inhaling a toxic smoke from a burning stick, but the mentality. and what i mean by that is terms such as 'fix'.... 'addicted'.... these two alone are things that should not be in a first person vocabulary in this context, but they are, and i find that horrific. i havnt hurt anyone except myself really, but even looking back now, im thinking 'what the fuck was i doing'.....

long may this mentality continue.
thanks for reading
see you tomorrow x

now thats something new....

ironically, this isnt.... its about relationships

i think i've got to a stage where i want one again. it's been over a year now and although i've been close to it a few times, never really felt willing in myself to engage in one wholeheartedly. this has changed recently and im now thinking, 'hey, i could do this again'. i like this feeling. it's nice :) cosy and content within myself and up for coinciding with someone :)

now all i have to do is work out how to go back and amend certain relationships... i did tell someone about 7 months ago i wanted a relationship and i truly meant it, however i wasnt ready in myself.... if that opportunity ever came round again, i would grab it with both hands and never let her go.

but all's fair in love and war so onto the great unknown we march once more dear friends. we fight for honour, freedom and tea. we show mercy but ask for none, and we see the task through to the end.

giving up: part 1- preamble

today i give up cigarettes. noone actually cares, but this is one way of motivating myself to do it (pretending people actually do). i may be vloging and keeping a daily diary of whats going on etc. i have no plan B. this is a full purge on death sticks. 40 days, starting on February 26 2012.

lets do this eh

40 days to break a habit

I've set myself a massive challenge. 40 days without something i need to see if i can survive without it. in fact, i'm going to do this with 2 things (although one has a head start on the other). also this is nothing to do with lent.... just something i thought about which kind of coincides with lent... but im already late for it, so screw it.

i'm giving up smoking as of when i finish my current pack of cigarettes. i have 4 left. this shall be it for 40 days. i estimate that these shall be gone on sunday, and therefore i shall start being irate and horrible on monday...or more so than usual.

also, ive already started giving up a major aspect of my life, and have been free of this since the 13th of this month. no points for guessing what. i have 28 days to go. if the theory is correct and it takes 40 days to give up a habit, then god willing it shall be gone forevermore. however, if it is bogus, then it will just prove that the hardest things to give up are usually the worst for you. meh, we shall see.

in other news, more Tibetans have died as a result of self emulation after protesting the chinese dictatorship of that region, the economy is still fucked, and i cant wait to start looking for houses for next year :D

this was your LW2T update, and i shall see you soon

ciao bella's XD

more pathetic drivle

i come on here to moan, be that in the context of a relationship, work, uni or life in general. today, life and relationships...

my car got written off on friday.... not my fault either. someone crashed into me. it sucks. no car and a head injury go really well.... least i can drink, and the uni bar is cheap :)

i miss being in a relationship. last year i was so close to doing the right thing (in my mind), but i had to go fuck it up -.- typical me. balls up the good things.

it hasnt been the best few weeks, i'll give it that...and productivity is at a low... but i foresee the dawn of a new chapter: a chapter in which i will stop fucking up, and stop allowing things to fuck me up. im going to man up and deal with any and all shit that comes my way, take chances on people and things and see where it goes. surely it's too early in my life to lament and regret isnt it? well, the early symptoms of such things show now and then and i glance at the person i've yet to become. basically, i dont like where its going because im too pussy to do anything about anything. a good thing comes my way and i blow it by stupid actions....LDR's, uni, work... etc...

i need to stop ruining shit, cut things out of my life, cut people i dont want (and the people i want) out, and try and move on -inset pathetic sad face here-

but for now, i'll be content to wallow in self pity, write vague (unless you're apart of it, in which case it is blatantly obvious) details on here, and drink myself into a deep unshakable coma.

GOD, i need to get drunk -.-

hey, and if they come back into my life at a later date, i will be more than happy to admit i was a dick and try again, if they want.