quitting smoking diary day 1- honesty from outset

ok, yesterday i started this by having my last cigarette.... and then 4 hours after i woke up today i was stressed and annoyed and had 2. FAIL :@

i was angry at myself, but i was determined to actually try this time after so many times of saying 'this is my last one'. i was also scared that i would be desperate for a cigarette in work tonight since my habit started there almost 18 months ago. i've grown to associate driving with smoking and working for a delivery company, you can guess it's not a good combination....

HOWEVER, i got to work and although i felt the need, i decided to go to tesco and buy some niquitin patches so that i can get the ball rolling on not smoking. honestly, i was more scared of buying them than buying fags, but i asked, and in the same kind of voice that a nervous 15 year old has when trying to buy alcohol.... i croaked, i was embarrassed, but i got them and after a semi patronising/semi encouraging 'good for you, giving up!' from the cashier, i ran to my car to see if they'd work.

i ripped open the box in anticipation and read the leaflet to see what to do (im a noob, yes) and i stuck one on my left arm, wondering how long it would take before i got my fix. within about 10 minutes of putting it on, i started to feel an insane itch coming from the area, and i looked at the patch: my arm was blood red and it looked like i was having a reaction. however, i kept it on and gritted my teeth, praying it was nothing more than the patch taking effect.

thankfully, after about half an hour, i started to feel it working, and i felt relaxed and content, and with my arm returning to normal i felt really positive about this step ive taken. it's a 24 hour patch and i'm still wearing it as im writing this, and its still working...which is good since thats what it's supposed to do....

i got back to work and after a few hours i was speaking to some colleagues who also smoke and i said, 'i genuinely do not want a cigarette'. they looked stunned. frankly, i was in bliss knowing that i've actually taken a positive step towards giving up. i never imagined that patches actually work, and although it sounds terrible, the fact i needed a 'fix' of nicotine, i think this is the best move ive made.

what this patch has taught me (i appreciate ive only been wearing it 7 hours), is that instead of needing to keep my hands busy, i am just addicted and its not the muscle memory thing that so many people have.... i genuinely do not want or need a cigarette and it seems it was just the nicotine contained therein that i needed (which makes sense since it's the addictive thing in the bastards). this also gives me confidence in my ability to quit since it seems like just an addiction rather than an addiction and a habit.

through writing this, ive noticed how terrible the ideas of smoking are. what i mean by that is not the physical act of inhaling a toxic smoke from a burning stick, but the mentality. and what i mean by that is terms such as 'fix'.... 'addicted'.... these two alone are things that should not be in a first person vocabulary in this context, but they are, and i find that horrific. i havnt hurt anyone except myself really, but even looking back now, im thinking 'what the fuck was i doing'.....

long may this mentality continue.
thanks for reading
see you tomorrow x

now thats something new....

ironically, this isnt.... its about relationships

i think i've got to a stage where i want one again. it's been over a year now and although i've been close to it a few times, never really felt willing in myself to engage in one wholeheartedly. this has changed recently and im now thinking, 'hey, i could do this again'. i like this feeling. it's nice :) cosy and content within myself and up for coinciding with someone :)

now all i have to do is work out how to go back and amend certain relationships... i did tell someone about 7 months ago i wanted a relationship and i truly meant it, however i wasnt ready in myself.... if that opportunity ever came round again, i would grab it with both hands and never let her go.

but all's fair in love and war so onto the great unknown we march once more dear friends. we fight for honour, freedom and tea. we show mercy but ask for none, and we see the task through to the end.

giving up: part 1- preamble

today i give up cigarettes. noone actually cares, but this is one way of motivating myself to do it (pretending people actually do). i may be vloging and keeping a daily diary of whats going on etc. i have no plan B. this is a full purge on death sticks. 40 days, starting on February 26 2012.

lets do this eh