sausages (feet)

soooooo yeah....

today i wanted to rant about predictability, specifically in a relationship. what i mean to ask is, is there ever a good time to be thoroughly predictable or is uncertainty just that little bit more fun?

what sparked this was a comment made, saying "i knew you were going to say that". this to me is very bad, partly because i thought my previous line was just a brush away comment and was nothing necessarily out of the ordinary, more just generic... and partly because i HOPE im less predictable than i apparently am...
the conversation was just background really- nothing exciting.

what makes me loath the idea of me being predictable is that if everyone thinks im predictable, i either earn myself a reputation for hurting people, being a dick, or being a good guy.... the last one i dislike because if i am subsequently a dick, i hurt people anyways.
people think 'hes changed' if you appear predictable to them, then act differently under different environmental situations that are unfamiliar to them. i dont want to hurt people or make them feel upset with my conduct at any time, but i am who i am...

and on the flip side, if people think im predictable and that they know me, aspects of my personality which usually hide away, surprise them: ALOT. many times i have had to apologise to people for being incredibly angry or whatever when they didnt expect it.

also, i dont like predictability because i dont like the idea of free will being lost
HOWEVER, i can fully appreciate the moral foundation of having a predictable relationship built on the right principles. i just despise the idea that even basic conversation need not take place almost.

so to uncertainty. i love uncertainty in a certain environment: healthy relationship with spontaneity. conversation should never run dry between people who love and care about each other, in my eyes, and if nothing needs to be said, dont say anything- dont just try and fill the gaps with crap 'just because you want to hear their voice' (romantic bollocks). if you dont have anything to say, just enjoy the silence. it brings you closer than words a lot of the time.

AND HERE IS THE PUNCHLINE
to me, the phrase, 'I love you', is far too overused between teenagers who don't truly understand what love is, and i think it spoils the connotations behind it. not only this, i think if you analyse the conversations where it is brought up a significant amount of times, it's found to be in predictable slumps of conversation. i firmly believe that that phrase should be left to unpredictability regardless of scenario. if you dont want to, dont say it. if you get told it, dont force yourself to say it back! i fall and have fallen into this trap far too many times, and i regret it in all honesty. i think relationships where this kind of predictability are found are pretty much doomed, which is why i also regret not getting together with people i think are essentially perfect.

fucking uni eh.

(how did this rant go from predictability to some deep personal regrets :s )
well if anyone gets to this point without skipping, let me know and i'll owe you a cookie (Y)

cheers m'dears

awkward

Right, dear internets, im coming to the quick conclusion i need an outlet away from mainstream view...so this is going to be the place i come to bitch moan and whine about everything while my Vlog will remain positive or at least fun. youtube.com/lewiswenttotown

just had the shortest phone call in about a month with someone i was hoping not to have to speak to for a while. whoops i fucked up Aaaaaaagain and i texted her back (fucking common courtesy).

anyways, someone interrupted the convo naked but with a pillow, and she wasnt exactly fucking discreet about it. this was the same guy who fucked up my life. yay :D super happy fun times.

this has made me extra happy and really fucking down.....anyone for a beer? just me? fe...

so anyway, if you wanna see me happy and cheery, please go to my youtube and subscribe :) only a very small 'fan' base right now, so if people can subscribe, i'll do more of the video thingy where i talk to my peoples.
much love and hope to see you soon on there, or next time on here when i need to rant or clear my mind :)

ciao bellas 

uncontrollable

No more, the master of myself, i have become engulfed by something dark and sinister and playful; this energy  inside which wills me to spite and hurt, though i mourn for a better time. Enraged by what depravity lies within those who love, who rip out my heart and make me feel hollow and empty and sick.
Im scared of myself, what lies beneath me, for my anger and hatred build. Only through words can i be brought down, and only through music can i resurrect myself from hell.
The sorrow laid strewn across my brow reminds me that bitterness and sulphur are all i know, the foul stench lifting me higher to a state of passionate vile. The Gaul that hides is building with every word you speak, and softly and slowly it seeps out into the ether to fill the void between loves, and hurts all who hear it.
This is my winter of discontent. An everlasting wasteland of forgotten emotions with no means of renewal. No remorse. No sanctuary can be found here. Merely the hope that it may end.
But the rational is entombed by irrationality, and soon, aggressively and ferociously i will end all of my suffering with swift justice in my mind. The last sound you may hear may be the last sound i make, for if the deed is done, relief will take my life.

I turn around. You are gone from view. I still hear you but it dims and i soon return to the shell i was. The beasts are tame again, and i am soaked in sorrow for the thoughts.
Few will ever know true horror: to look ones self in the mirror and see nothing but a violent criminal in waiting... i consider myself one of the lucky few to have been presented that opportunity by your hand.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/lewispearce

a sincere apology

For what it's worth, I don't hate anyone or even particularly dislike anyone with any kind of passion...but recently a combination of stress, anxiety and anger has fueled some kind of rage which has become concentrated towards some people under certain conditions. For this, I truly am sorry. It is never worth it to lash out at people regardless of circumstance and it is never good to dismiss someone just because they say what they want, but that seems to be what I'm doing if the right buttons are pushed. Tonight, the job of button pushing was made easier by a 'family member', and in anticipation of causing offence or retaliated aggression, I apologise in advance. Once things in my life get ironed out I will be Lewis again.
Shouldn't be too long...and these changes will make a better Lewis in the long run.

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