I've set myself a massive challenge. 40 days without something i need to see if i can survive without it. in fact, i'm going to do this with 2 things (although one has a head start on the other). also this is nothing to do with lent.... just something i thought about which kind of coincides with lent... but im already late for it, so screw it.
i'm giving up smoking as of when i finish my current pack of cigarettes. i have 4 left. this shall be it for 40 days. i estimate that these shall be gone on sunday, and therefore i shall start being irate and horrible on monday...or more so than usual.
also, ive already started giving up a major aspect of my life, and have been free of this since the 13th of this month. no points for guessing what. i have 28 days to go. if the theory is correct and it takes 40 days to give up a habit, then god willing it shall be gone forevermore. however, if it is bogus, then it will just prove that the hardest things to give up are usually the worst for you. meh, we shall see.
in other news, more Tibetans have died as a result of self emulation after protesting the chinese dictatorship of that region, the economy is still fucked, and i cant wait to start looking for houses for next year :D
this was your LW2T update, and i shall see you soon
ciao bella's XD
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
more pathetic drivle
i come on here to moan, be that in the context of a relationship, work, uni or life in general. today, life and relationships...
my car got written off on friday.... not my fault either. someone crashed into me. it sucks. no car and a head injury go really well.... least i can drink, and the uni bar is cheap :)
i miss being in a relationship. last year i was so close to doing the right thing (in my mind), but i had to go fuck it up -.- typical me. balls up the good things.
it hasnt been the best few weeks, i'll give it that...and productivity is at a low... but i foresee the dawn of a new chapter: a chapter in which i will stop fucking up, and stop allowing things to fuck me up. im going to man up and deal with any and all shit that comes my way, take chances on people and things and see where it goes. surely it's too early in my life to lament and regret isnt it? well, the early symptoms of such things show now and then and i glance at the person i've yet to become. basically, i dont like where its going because im too pussy to do anything about anything. a good thing comes my way and i blow it by stupid actions....LDR's, uni, work... etc...
i need to stop ruining shit, cut things out of my life, cut people i dont want (and the people i want) out, and try and move on -inset pathetic sad face here-
but for now, i'll be content to wallow in self pity, write vague (unless you're apart of it, in which case it is blatantly obvious) details on here, and drink myself into a deep unshakable coma.
GOD, i need to get drunk -.-
hey, and if they come back into my life at a later date, i will be more than happy to admit i was a dick and try again, if they want.
my car got written off on friday.... not my fault either. someone crashed into me. it sucks. no car and a head injury go really well.... least i can drink, and the uni bar is cheap :)
i miss being in a relationship. last year i was so close to doing the right thing (in my mind), but i had to go fuck it up -.- typical me. balls up the good things.
it hasnt been the best few weeks, i'll give it that...and productivity is at a low... but i foresee the dawn of a new chapter: a chapter in which i will stop fucking up, and stop allowing things to fuck me up. im going to man up and deal with any and all shit that comes my way, take chances on people and things and see where it goes. surely it's too early in my life to lament and regret isnt it? well, the early symptoms of such things show now and then and i glance at the person i've yet to become. basically, i dont like where its going because im too pussy to do anything about anything. a good thing comes my way and i blow it by stupid actions....LDR's, uni, work... etc...
i need to stop ruining shit, cut things out of my life, cut people i dont want (and the people i want) out, and try and move on -inset pathetic sad face here-
but for now, i'll be content to wallow in self pity, write vague (unless you're apart of it, in which case it is blatantly obvious) details on here, and drink myself into a deep unshakable coma.
GOD, i need to get drunk -.-
hey, and if they come back into my life at a later date, i will be more than happy to admit i was a dick and try again, if they want.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
100th post
today i wanted to discuss regrets very quickly, and then we can all just go home...
now from the outset, i dont want to seem like some wanna be armchair psychologist who seems both unintelligent and noble-esque at the same time, however i probably will come across that way. i merely wish to portray my belief of the true meaning of regret and how people should not hold certain things to heart when it is not applicable....something like the common misconception of irony.
from my own personal patter, regret is a profound and deep understanding of what 'could have been', where you personally have changed your own future, negatively, through conscious acts. i, myself, have misunderstood this concept and have made myself feel like utter shit for it in the past, some things, i am only now coming to terms with. i also regret certain peoples actions in my past, but yet again, according to my definition, i cannot regret these due to it not being my 'fault'.
other things, i can regret though; the wrong words at the wrong time, saying 'i love you' when i dont....not saying 'i love you' when i do.... not giving enough time or spending enough energy on a cause greater than my own, and not daring to venture into the unknown and take a risk on something fantastic. i regret these because the scenarios i have entered have warranted profound conclusions, and from these i have established that i could have done so much more to aid my own course and those whom ive cared about.
right now, these sentences mean nothing, just a string of words, formulated and latticed into paragraphs by someone with an eternity to ponder silently his beliefs, and hone his wisdom for whoever wants to hear it in the next generation. these musings are a manifestation of guilt at myself for not plunging into what could have been, instead opting to bow out and let the tide of time wash over, in the hopes of forgetting it ever happened in the first place. this is thick of me in the least. and the worst thing: i keep the specifics in my mind, to myself, because the metaphysical pain of bottling it away is less than the inevitable rejection at the source, regardless of the fact she'll never read it.
now from the outset, i dont want to seem like some wanna be armchair psychologist who seems both unintelligent and noble-esque at the same time, however i probably will come across that way. i merely wish to portray my belief of the true meaning of regret and how people should not hold certain things to heart when it is not applicable....something like the common misconception of irony.
from my own personal patter, regret is a profound and deep understanding of what 'could have been', where you personally have changed your own future, negatively, through conscious acts. i, myself, have misunderstood this concept and have made myself feel like utter shit for it in the past, some things, i am only now coming to terms with. i also regret certain peoples actions in my past, but yet again, according to my definition, i cannot regret these due to it not being my 'fault'.
other things, i can regret though; the wrong words at the wrong time, saying 'i love you' when i dont....not saying 'i love you' when i do.... not giving enough time or spending enough energy on a cause greater than my own, and not daring to venture into the unknown and take a risk on something fantastic. i regret these because the scenarios i have entered have warranted profound conclusions, and from these i have established that i could have done so much more to aid my own course and those whom ive cared about.
right now, these sentences mean nothing, just a string of words, formulated and latticed into paragraphs by someone with an eternity to ponder silently his beliefs, and hone his wisdom for whoever wants to hear it in the next generation. these musings are a manifestation of guilt at myself for not plunging into what could have been, instead opting to bow out and let the tide of time wash over, in the hopes of forgetting it ever happened in the first place. this is thick of me in the least. and the worst thing: i keep the specifics in my mind, to myself, because the metaphysical pain of bottling it away is less than the inevitable rejection at the source, regardless of the fact she'll never read it.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
sausages (feet)
soooooo yeah....
today i wanted to rant about predictability, specifically in a relationship. what i mean to ask is, is there ever a good time to be thoroughly predictable or is uncertainty just that little bit more fun?
what sparked this was a comment made, saying "i knew you were going to say that". this to me is very bad, partly because i thought my previous line was just a brush away comment and was nothing necessarily out of the ordinary, more just generic... and partly because i HOPE im less predictable than i apparently am...
the conversation was just background really- nothing exciting.
what makes me loath the idea of me being predictable is that if everyone thinks im predictable, i either earn myself a reputation for hurting people, being a dick, or being a good guy.... the last one i dislike because if i am subsequently a dick, i hurt people anyways.
people think 'hes changed' if you appear predictable to them, then act differently under different environmental situations that are unfamiliar to them. i dont want to hurt people or make them feel upset with my conduct at any time, but i am who i am...
and on the flip side, if people think im predictable and that they know me, aspects of my personality which usually hide away, surprise them: ALOT. many times i have had to apologise to people for being incredibly angry or whatever when they didnt expect it.
also, i dont like predictability because i dont like the idea of free will being lost
HOWEVER, i can fully appreciate the moral foundation of having a predictable relationship built on the right principles. i just despise the idea that even basic conversation need not take place almost.
so to uncertainty. i love uncertainty in a certain environment: healthy relationship with spontaneity. conversation should never run dry between people who love and care about each other, in my eyes, and if nothing needs to be said, dont say anything- dont just try and fill the gaps with crap 'just because you want to hear their voice' (romantic bollocks). if you dont have anything to say, just enjoy the silence. it brings you closer than words a lot of the time.
AND HERE IS THE PUNCHLINE
to me, the phrase, 'I love you', is far too overused between teenagers who don't truly understand what love is, and i think it spoils the connotations behind it. not only this, i think if you analyse the conversations where it is brought up a significant amount of times, it's found to be in predictable slumps of conversation. i firmly believe that that phrase should be left to unpredictability regardless of scenario. if you dont want to, dont say it. if you get told it, dont force yourself to say it back! i fall and have fallen into this trap far too many times, and i regret it in all honesty. i think relationships where this kind of predictability are found are pretty much doomed, which is why i also regret not getting together with people i think are essentially perfect.
fucking uni eh.
(how did this rant go from predictability to some deep personal regrets :s )
well if anyone gets to this point without skipping, let me know and i'll owe you a cookie (Y)
cheers m'dears
today i wanted to rant about predictability, specifically in a relationship. what i mean to ask is, is there ever a good time to be thoroughly predictable or is uncertainty just that little bit more fun?
what sparked this was a comment made, saying "i knew you were going to say that". this to me is very bad, partly because i thought my previous line was just a brush away comment and was nothing necessarily out of the ordinary, more just generic... and partly because i HOPE im less predictable than i apparently am...
the conversation was just background really- nothing exciting.
what makes me loath the idea of me being predictable is that if everyone thinks im predictable, i either earn myself a reputation for hurting people, being a dick, or being a good guy.... the last one i dislike because if i am subsequently a dick, i hurt people anyways.
people think 'hes changed' if you appear predictable to them, then act differently under different environmental situations that are unfamiliar to them. i dont want to hurt people or make them feel upset with my conduct at any time, but i am who i am...
and on the flip side, if people think im predictable and that they know me, aspects of my personality which usually hide away, surprise them: ALOT. many times i have had to apologise to people for being incredibly angry or whatever when they didnt expect it.
also, i dont like predictability because i dont like the idea of free will being lost
HOWEVER, i can fully appreciate the moral foundation of having a predictable relationship built on the right principles. i just despise the idea that even basic conversation need not take place almost.
so to uncertainty. i love uncertainty in a certain environment: healthy relationship with spontaneity. conversation should never run dry between people who love and care about each other, in my eyes, and if nothing needs to be said, dont say anything- dont just try and fill the gaps with crap 'just because you want to hear their voice' (romantic bollocks). if you dont have anything to say, just enjoy the silence. it brings you closer than words a lot of the time.
AND HERE IS THE PUNCHLINE
to me, the phrase, 'I love you', is far too overused between teenagers who don't truly understand what love is, and i think it spoils the connotations behind it. not only this, i think if you analyse the conversations where it is brought up a significant amount of times, it's found to be in predictable slumps of conversation. i firmly believe that that phrase should be left to unpredictability regardless of scenario. if you dont want to, dont say it. if you get told it, dont force yourself to say it back! i fall and have fallen into this trap far too many times, and i regret it in all honesty. i think relationships where this kind of predictability are found are pretty much doomed, which is why i also regret not getting together with people i think are essentially perfect.
fucking uni eh.
(how did this rant go from predictability to some deep personal regrets :s )
well if anyone gets to this point without skipping, let me know and i'll owe you a cookie (Y)
cheers m'dears
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
awkward
Right, dear internets, im coming to the quick conclusion i need an outlet away from mainstream view...so this is going to be the place i come to bitch moan and whine about everything while my Vlog will remain positive or at least fun. youtube.com/lewiswenttotown
just had the shortest phone call in about a month with someone i was hoping not to have to speak to for a while. whoops i fucked up Aaaaaaagain and i texted her back (fucking common courtesy).
anyways, someone interrupted the convo naked but with a pillow, and she wasnt exactly fucking discreet about it. this was the same guy who fucked up my life. yay :D super happy fun times.
this has made me extra happy and really fucking down.....anyone for a beer? just me? fe...
so anyway, if you wanna see me happy and cheery, please go to my youtube and subscribe :) only a very small 'fan' base right now, so if people can subscribe, i'll do more of the video thingy where i talk to my peoples.
much love and hope to see you soon on there, or next time on here when i need to rant or clear my mind :)
ciao bellas
just had the shortest phone call in about a month with someone i was hoping not to have to speak to for a while. whoops i fucked up Aaaaaaagain and i texted her back (fucking common courtesy).
anyways, someone interrupted the convo naked but with a pillow, and she wasnt exactly fucking discreet about it. this was the same guy who fucked up my life. yay :D super happy fun times.
this has made me extra happy and really fucking down.....anyone for a beer? just me? fe...
so anyway, if you wanna see me happy and cheery, please go to my youtube and subscribe :) only a very small 'fan' base right now, so if people can subscribe, i'll do more of the video thingy where i talk to my peoples.
much love and hope to see you soon on there, or next time on here when i need to rant or clear my mind :)
ciao bellas
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